Something is Holding Me Back...It's Me

 Photo by  Noah Buscher  on  Unsplash

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

I love to feel like I am a part of something important, and I haven’t felt that way in a really long time.

I mean, I love having a group of friends, I would love to have a romantic relationship again in my life ever, and I love working on and dedicating myself to things that matter.

But for a long time, I haven’t had any of those things in my life… and it’s my own damn fault.

The only excuse I have for not having any of those things in my life right now is because I haven’t tried — and the reason I haven’t tried is because I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’m going to try to make friends and fail because making adult relationships work is much harder than I ever thought it would be.

I’m scared that I am going to start going back on those dating websites and get rejected by every man who I go out on a date with, again. Beyond that, I’m scared that I won’t even have the nerve to start online dating again because my thoughts are so turned toward failure I feel like I’m a physical manifestation of it.

And working on something important?

Ha.

My writing, my body of work, that is what I consider to be important, and I am the only one who agrees with me so far.

It’s not a good way to be.

But.

There is always a but.

Yesterday I wrote something that was a little scary:

Ten Things You Didn’t WANT to Know About Me

I wrote a post about the things you don’t want to know about me — the things that I am not proud of and generally won’t tell people.

It was more than a little scary, actually.

It felt a little bit like jumping off a cliff and admitting the things that I’ve always been afraid to say online all at once, like ripping off the writing about myself band-aid, and now I know that the only thing that is holding me back from telling my stories and adding to my work is me.

The sad thing is, I’ve written this post before, many times.

But I don’t think I’m the only one.

Just, this time, I’m going to do something about it.

I can’t keep coming to the end of every month with nothing to show for the days that have passed.

I have to, as they say in math class, show my work.

Lately, I have been studying Buddhism and how meditation along with a new outlook on life might help turn things around for me — not just my mental health, but my whole life and approach to living.

I’ve established that writing and being published are more important to me than doing anything else, so now I am going to take steps to really make that happen.

Maybe I’ll even go back on an online dating site and see what is out there for me these days, once I feel like I have something to offer someone.

But right now, in the state that I am in, this homeschooling and not having a job and living with my parents state that I am in, this has to change, and I have to grow.

I’ve known for a while that I am the only thing standing in my way and I haven’t been able to figure out what my problem is, and honestly, I still don’t know if I’ve figured out what my problem is.

I don’t think it has anything to do with motivation or laziness, I don’t know even know if I believe in those things anymore, but there is something I do believe in, and that’s determination.

I am determined to turn my life around and figure out how to make a living writing.

It’s all I want for my life right now, and if I can’t work every day to try to figure that out, then what the hell am I doing here at all?